WTFucked Vegan Scramble

I apologize for any kind of hiatus, I worked well over 200 hours in 2 weeks – not that I have some massive reader base to appease, but for what its worth, I’m back with a vegetarian vengeance.

This is something I threw together around 1:30 am after a crazed run to Ralphs with some fellow foodies. Its Vegan, so relatively healthy, but I can’t vouch specifically for caloric content, given my status as resident fatcat.

Damn skippy, bitches

The Pieces

Prep Time: 15 mins

Cook Time: 20 mins

2 large russet potatoes

2 large zucchini’s (is that even the proper plural?)

2 jalapenos

1 red onion

2 limes

1 bunch fresh cilantro

1 red bell pepper

1 orange bell pepper

A few slices sprouted vegan bread for toast

The Puzzle

1. Break down your jalapenos. To do this easily:

  • Split the jalapeno from stem to tip
  • Drag a teaspoon down the center, removing the ribs and seeds
  • Slice lengthwise, evenly
  • Turn sideways and dice into a brunoise

2. Dice your onion. To do this:

  • Slice in half, from stem to stem
  • Take each half and slice it into half again.
  • Lay the half you are breaking down flat on the board and slice 90% of the way into it laterally
  • Spaced a quarter of an inch apart slice downwards, cutting towards the root, but again not all the way – we need that root to hold the onion together
  • Now slice about a quarter of an inch apart parallel to the root
  • Notice your awesome dice! (pictures to follow on the technique page)

3. Roughly chop up some cilantro

4. Combine this with the onion and jalapeno – squeeze both limes over the top of this mixture, and set in the fridge for at least 30 mins

5. While that shit marinates, peel your potatoes

6. Using the largest side of a cheese grater, grate both the potatoes and zucchini over some folded up paper towels. This will need to drain for a while.

7. Julienne your bell peppers

8. Heat a nonstick skillet on high, and throw your onion mixture (sans oil) in there. Use the lime juice to saute until lightly browned. Remove and set aside.

9. Now the interesting part – combine your  potato/zucchini mixture with the bell peppers. The natural moisture of the potatoes/zucchini, despite them being dried, should allow you to form very loose patties (think diner hashbrowns). Form at least 2 of these quasi burgers and get them into your still warm pan.

10. Once fully browned on both sides, remove and top with the now cooled onion mixture.

Healthy and filling. This shit’s the tits, even if my recipe sucks.

And now I present this funny baby.

Ha. Funny baby.


Apeshit Mac N’Cheese

Goddamn, this is easily one of my more…decadent…recipes.

Its delicious, don’t get me wrong, but this is something you eat once or twice a year – and i’m not being facetious.

So, if you’ve had a bad day, or you or a friend recently went through a breakup, or you just need some of the best fucking comfort food out there – this is your dish.

I’ll get more precise measurements, but this how I roll – approximately.

The Pieces

Prep Time: 5-10 mins, depending on how fast you can grate cheese…

Cook Time: 50 minutes

  • 1 box of elbow macaroni
  • half a full stick of butter
  • a generous amount of flour (lets say 1/2 a cup, for shits and giggles)
  • 16 oz each of: Mozzarella, Cheddar, Pepper Jack
  • 8 oz of: smoked gouda and brie
  • About a cup of whole milk
  • unflavored italian breadcrumbs
  • paprika
  • cayenne
  • salt and pepper

How its done

Have you ever made a roux? If not, go hang yourself in the bathroom with a used towel.

Or I can tell you how. If you don’t kill yourself. Which is still an option.

Roux 101

A roux is, very simply, a thickening agent used in many of the more traditional soups and stews. Its a combination of flour and fat – some cooks prefer oil, but most will tell you clarified butter (ghee) is the way to go.  The first thing you do is combine equal parts flour and fat over low heat, and stir to combine. As it thickens, it will go through a series of colors: white, blonde, beige, brick, fucking burnt and ruined you ass.

The color roux you end up with actually changes the flavor profile of the dish you’re cooking (and pretty drastically) – for example, a brick roux, which is used most frequently in gumbo, has a distinct nutty flavor.

For this dish today we’ll be using a blonde roux.

1. Clarify your butter. To do this, throw your butter in a sauce pan on low heat. Once it has melted, tilt the pot towards yourself and skim the fat off using a large spoon – or whatever works I don’t give a shit.

2. Put some of your clarified butter, say 2-3 tbsp, into a new sauce pot on medium heat

3. Add the flour

4. Stir constantly until thick. We’re looking for a consistency similar to that paste you ate in kindergarten. No? Just me? Whatever.

5. Once it has reached a ‘blonde’ color, whisk in your milk

Though the pic's shit, the consistency you are looking for pre-cheese - nice and smooth

6. After the two have combined completely, begin adding your cheese in batches. This part is really up to you – if the sauce gets to thick, just add more milk. But don’t skimp on that cheese.

7. Add a lot (i’m talking nearly 1 tbsp) of paprika and a few pinches of cayenne

8. Thats pretty much it for your sauce – now you’ll want to add the cooked (just barely al dente) macaroni. And no, I didn’t include a step for that, because its common fucking sense. If I need to tell you to boil the goddamn pasta go find another blog – Rachel Ray could always use another reader.

9. Once the pasta’s fully coated in the sauce spread it out evenly in a casserole dish

10. Now, in a separate bowl, toss your breadcrumbs with a little more of that ghee and any remaining cheese you have the balls to use.

11. Sprinkle that glorious shit all over the top of your pasta, and pop the pan into a preheated oven (375) until golden brown and awesome.

If you don’t absolutely love this, refer to my drunk taters recipe and GTFO.

Or there’s still hanging yourself in the bathroom. I never took that off the table…

Drunk Taters

On the left, my Drunk Taters - on the right, vegan pot pie

The internet is indeed lucky today.

I’m releasing my hands down best fucking potato recipe – and the best part is how crazy simple it is.

I call ’em drunk simply because that is USUALLY my state of mind when making them. Its easy cheesy drunk eats.

The Pieces

Prep Time: 10 mins choppin taters

Cook Time: 45 mins – 1 hour

  • 2 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes (or any white potato)
  • 2 lbs sweet potatoes
  • Shitload of tarragon
  • 8 oz heavy cream
  • 8 oz gorgonzola or bleu cheese
  • thats IT

The Puzzle

0. Preheat your oven to 350

1. Peel and slice all your potatoes thin

2. Throw ’em in a baking dish

Aww...ain't they pretty...

3. Dust liberally with Tarragon

4. Add cream and cheese, mix

Notice my Shun Knife on the board in the back...mmm hmmm

5. Throw the dish in the oven, covered with tin foil, for 45 minutes

6. Remove the covering, cook until really damn fork tender, and crispy on top.

I know you love my dirty stove top

If you don’t LOVE these potatoes –

Blasphemous Bruschetta

First recipe – and a goddamn good one at that. I’ve seen a lot of different recipes for what could possibly be my favorite snack,  but none quite so awesome as mine.

Ok…I might be pumping this up a little. This is really a poor mans quick bruschetta fix that ends up tasting damn decent. Give it a shot, let me know what you think.

The Pieces

Prep time: 10 mins if you can chop fast

Cook time: 10 mins for the garlic/bread, and at least another 30 for the tomato mixture to marinate

  • 8 oz fresh mozzarella – if you need to settle, try picking up some of this.
  • 1 fresh baguette
  • 1 16oz can diced roma tomatoes, drained. Make sure they’re packed in water, no salt added.
  • 2 full garlic bulbs
  • 1 bunch fresh Basil
  • 4 tbsps extra virgin olive oil
  • 2 tbsps aged balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
  • salt
  • pepper
  • cayenne pepper

Its blurry...I know. iPhone camera.

Alright, now before we begin I want to clear something up – the term bruschetta doesn’t actually reference the topping. This is a pretty common misconception, but the reality is that bruschetta is the bread, which is grilled, oiled and rubbed with garlic.

The Puzzle

1. Preheat the oven to 375.

2. Take one bulb of garlic and slice off the tops. Place this in tinfoil with the sides crimped, and drizzle 1 tbsp of EVOO in the bulb.

3. Place this in the stove to roast until golden brown

4. Chop time – take your basil leaves, stack ’em, roll ’em, and slice. This trick is called a chiffonade. From here dicing should be much easier, and provide a more standard size.

5. While waiting for your garlic to roast, pop open that can of tomatoes and plop them into a fine sieve (or strainer) to get the extra juice out.

6. Grab your baguette and slice pieces approximately 1/4 inch thick, on the bias. Brush each slice with a little olive oil and set aside.

7. Throw the olive oil brushed baguette onto a grill – if you do not have one, use the preheated oven and toast til golden brown.

NOTE: I made this recently, and as I lacked a baking sheet where I was cooking, I actually used a saute pan, with great results! A much deeper flavor.

My dear friend Laura basks in the golden brown glory of the bread. Never hurts to snap some pics of a few hot ladies, yes?

8. Once the bread is toasted/grilled, its important you rub each bread piece with garlic as soon as its cool enough.

9. By this time your garlic should be roasted – take it out of the foil and mince finely. This is the part I hate the most, as much as I love garlic, since invariably my fingers smell for hours later…use some gloves, or rinse your hands with lemon juice after, to prevent this.

Almost done...although the garlic isn't as golden as I'd like.

10. Time to combine…in a large mixing bowl add the garlic, basil, tomatoes, remaining EVOO and all the vinegars. Two pinches each of salt, pepper, and cayenne. Toss to combine.

11. Set this in the fridge for at least a half an hour

12. Slice your mozzarella ball in half, then cut into thin strips

And your done! When eating, spoon a hefty amount of the tomato mixture onto a piece of bruschetta, top with mozzarella, and enjoy!.