“Salad-eatin’ bitches”, Or how Coolio changed my life

Vegetarian? How bout ghetto-tarian? HAHAHAHAOMGIMSOFUNNY
The pictures blurry cuz I’m just so excited it arrived.

For those of you who don’t know (FOR SHAME) Coolio is not just a burnt out pothead who apparently rapped in the nineties, but also a chef!

Really, you say? How did this come to be? HOW, in the wide world that is the interwebs, did I miss this miracle?

I THOUGHT I WAS ‘HIP’, you are now thinking.

I THOUGHT I WAS COOL.

You. Were. Wrong.

I present to you, in its raw, untouched glory, COOKIN’ WITH COOLIO!!!!! (huzzah!)

Go ahead and let that clip play. Let it digest, while you understand that this, in fact, is actually happening right fucking now. I understand your initial confusion – why am I privy to this? Why o why am I watching this and why o why can I not stop?

I asked myself the same thing when the book arrived. Why did I buy it? Not sure, chapter titles seemed amusing. Why am I so excited about it? Not sure, there’s no way in hell I’m cooking any of his ‘ghetto-gourmet’ shite.

But…

My loving roommate Brandon will!

Poor bastard actually volunteered.

I’m going to let him pick the recipe (since all the ‘salads’ he offers sound as original as sin…wait does that even make sense? Whatever. you get the point.)

The ‘Book’ Itself

Remarkably enough, its well put together. Concise recipes that sound…not terrible…along with a bit of humor thrown in. The issue I had, from the start, was the simple fact it required a glossary. Not, mind you, of commonly used cooking vernacular, but rather to describe the terms he’s come up with to describe measurements.

I’m talking about ‘peench’, or ‘dyme bag’, or even ‘Shaka Zulu‘, his coined catchphrase. According to him this is a phrase for when something is ‘about to taste better than your momma’s nipples’. I am not lying, this is a direct quote. According to the internet, on the other hand, Shaka was king of the Zulu tribe, a remarkable man who revolutionized battle tactics to help advance his people.

When I think Coolio, I do not think revolutionary battle tactics. And I don’t think he does either.

Even more interesting is Coolio’s liberal abbreviation of words. I feel as though I’ve over dosed on apostrophe’s…givin’, livin’, lickin’, pimpin’, stickin’, FUCK YOU . Honestly, I understand the approach here, but we get the point without you feeling the remarkable need to have your ghost writer jot down everything exactly the way you say it. As far as content goes, we’re only talking a few pages at best of actual writing – take the time, write the whole word out, and a little piece of me won’t die every time I see an apostrophe.

I R TALENT

This is me on my knees in front of Coolio's apostrophe monster

Still, I have to give him props for making cooking more accessible through his ‘Ghetto Gourmet’. Well done sir, if only the rest of us blackguards can achieve what you have.

I’ll update this some more once my all too adventurous roomie decides on a recipe.

The book itself, should you find yourself so moved.

And Coolio’s website. Wonderful research material…

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